Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The Love Beatdown

A break-up is a condition, which I would not wish on anyone, especially if deep feelings were invested in said relationship. Getting ones’ ass kicked by love when you couldn’t even fathom not having that special person in your life well … forever, is quite possibly one of the worst things that could ever happen to the human condition. It is true however that old saying that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
Hopefully you will open your eyes and learn valuable lessons about life and people on that journey to enlightenment or death.

Most of my friends usually say I have the mind of a man trapped in the body of a woman. I however wouldn’t totally agree, as while women for centuries have been the repressed sex in especially western cultures you just have to admit that women have way more fun than men if they know how to play the game.

It was only after sending someone “to the left, to the left” did I come to appreciate the nuances and the power of Beyonce’s song “Irreplaceable”. I’d be at parties and cringe when it starts playing as all these girlie girls embarrass themselves and say

“You must not know bout me! You must not know bout me!”

Initially it was hard and everytime the thought of said person came to mind your chest that was once warm and filled with possibility and excitement now lay empty and you are left to wonder how one heart, one human heart can feel so cavernous and raw? However it didn’t take too long for that feeling to subside and the immense excitement of being completely free of what was hurting you for so long comes to the fore and now this sigh… this huge sigh of relief is unlike any other before it. It fills your chest like a giant helium balloon and it lifts your spirit and makes you smile from ear to ear at every single thing. Yes, now all you want to do with this new lift is to “walk out” on this song.

Women are super. Women aren’t human at all. They are so much more than that. Women were sent to earth from the planet Omacron Percion 5 long before that fag in the red and blue tights. Unlike other heroes who became so by radiation, spider bites or a heavy reliance on tools to save the day, to be super all a woman has to do is wake up. Women are just naturally so however, in order to fit in we dumb down how truly awesome we are. We do this so long we some times forget our natural advantages and harp on how our boobs are too big, so we cover them up so men won’t get distracted and only see them. You’re too smart to pretend to be a Bimbo so you’re more approachable. We treat the lover’s heart like the head curator for the Shroud of Turin but him; he gets to plow through your feelings with as much subtly as a Redneck at a monster truck rally.

That’s life, and life is never fair. So why don’t we make it unfair in our favor. Instead of lovingly shooting ourselves in the leg just to give the Special Ed’s a fighting chance. Why aren’t we crying for the wrong reasons? Like using our Student Loan payment to buy shoes, and then bawl our big pretty eyes out to that Special Ed.

“Oh I don’t know what ever am I gonna do to repay this loan and if I don’t the Student Loan people said they are going to put my picture in the paper, Oh woe is me!”

It is however very important to leave out the minor details and it is also important to have your eyes well up with tears at just the right time during your story.

I have come to realize how much a weapon of catastrophic destruction a dress is, one of the many weapons in the arsenal given women by the goddess herself. The important thing to always remember about dresses are, it’s never what is in vogue but what fits well and makes sound effects go-off in your intended’s head like a Stan Lee comic.


A good dress has the ability to erase the word ‘no’ from any vocabulary. It is not just some fabric sewn together to cover the body. It is instead a tool for use to gain every possible advantage in the most unfair game in human history, the game of love and desire.

Beauty is subjective and fleeting. It is therefore important to be reminded of two constants:

  1. Know your audience that way you can use the enemies’ weaknesses against them.
  2. Be as humanly objective with ones self as possible.

The ability to step outside of your comfort zone and truly see when your game needs some upgrading is a most important asset. There isn’t anything sadder than seeing a 30-something with an 18 year old trick. That’s just tacky.